It's Just A Prank!
by Tawa Tamaiti
Summary: "I want you to All Might all over me." Tsuyu finds a phone with some questionable contact numbers. Prank calls abound.
1. Chapter 1

**The profanity is strong with this one.**

 **I'm so sorry.**

Initial Summary: In which Tsuyu is angry, Tokoyami spends too much time with Mineta and there's a phone with far too many cell phone numbers.

 _ **.**_

 _ **..**_

 _ **.**_

Tsuyu wasn't drunk. Really. She wasn't.

Tsuyu was a good child who followed the drinking laws, because if she didn't then her hero career would go up in flames.

Tsuyu was, however, incredibly angry and looking for a physical outlet for said anger. Because _some delivery people_ just _couldn't_ do their jobs right and caused her to waste _hundreds of dollars_ for a stupid pair of _shoes._

The best part? Those shoes were on fucking special.

So, as the girl prepared to stampede down the hallway with all the grace of an enraged amphibian, she blindly swiped her phone off the counter in the rec. room before continuing her trek towards the elevator. Sighing loudly, Tsuyu dropped her head against the metallic walls of the transportation device as it began to climb up to the second story. _'Stupid online companies with their stupid shipping services…'_

 _ **Ping!**_

Raising her head off the wall, Tsuyu made her way towards the dorms. Slumping over, she practically kicked the door open and let herself collapse onto the soft, cushioned flooring- otherwise known as carpet. A brilliant creation. Kicking her legs out blindly behind her, Tsuyu managed to nudge the door close; stubbornly ignoring the sharp pangs of pain from the points of collision. Flicking open her phone, she simply stared at the home-screen.

' _This isn't my wallpaper.'_

' _Did someone change it?'_

' _Holy shit, what if they saw_ _ **those**_ _photos.'_

A simple hint into the thoughts passing through Tsuyu's mind, after a few moments, the girl simply shrugged and proceeded to go into the contacts. Then…

Oh boy, it was a damn _gold-mine._

She grinned.

The first number was Tokoyami.

" _Kukukuku…_ "

 **o**

 _ **Tokoyami**_

 **o**

"Hello?"

"Greetings, who is this?"

"I'm Umi, um… I uh… live nearby, and I had a question?"

"I'm sorry, but most inquiries about the faculty should be directed to the princi-"

"I lost my pet."

"…Oh."

"Have you seen any animals wandering around?"

"What does this pet look like?"

"Human body with a crow head—"

Everything went silent.

"Excuse me."

"…"

"Sir."

"…"

"Did you just fucking hang up on me."

"…"

"Bird-bitch."

 **o**

 _ **Tooru**_

 **o**

"Hi!"

"Heya! Who is this?"

"Oh, this is just an avid fan of yours~"

"Oh my gosh, really?! Do you want an autograph, or a piece of merchandise or—"

"I would like tickets to Fantastic Four 2, please!"

"…"

"Hello?"

"Invisible Woman?"

"Did you just hang up?"

"Wow, rude."

 **o**

 **Aizawa**

 **o**

"Hello!"

"Tsuyu."

"Who the fuck are you calling Tsuyu, asswipe?"

"Tsuyu, I can tell it's you by your voic—"

"Did you just _assume my voice?_ "

"We have class tomorrow."

"I'm not in your fucking class, you shitba-"

"You're staying after-class with me."

"Aizawa. _No_."

"See you then, Tsuyu."

The connection died.

"Oh my god."

"Aizawa."

"Aizawa please."

"I know you main Reaper but please, for the love of all that is me, play Mercy."

" _Mercy on my soul._ "

 **o**

 **Tomura**

 **o**

"Salutations!"

"How did you get this number?"

"Oh, you know how it is…"

"I really don't."

"Really?"

"Really."

"…Ayyy, lmao."

"What..?"

"Bitch. Scumbag. Crazy shithead."

"Profanity."

"I got this number off _Grindr_."

 _Silence._

"Tomura?"

"Did you just reject me over the phone?"

"Well, fuck you too."

 **o**

 _ **Tokoyami (again)**_

 **o**

"Hello?"

"SHE CALL ME MR BOMBAST-"

"Fuck off."

"—IC, SOMETHING FANTASTIC."

"I'm hanging up."

" _TOUCH ME ON THE BAC-"_

 **o**

 **Mineta**

 **o**

"S'up?"

"Ravish me."

"Gladly."

"…"

"Where you at, babe?"

"This was a mistake."

 **o**

 **Iida**

 **o**

"Hello?"

"GOES FROM 0 TO 60 IN THREE POINT FIVE-"

"This is inappropriate conduct over the phone!"

"BABY YOU GOT THE KEYS-"

"Ma'am!"

"NOW SHUT UP AND DRIVE, DRIVE, DRIV-"

"…Do you know the lyrics to S&M?"

"Fuck yeah I do."

 **o**

 **Sero**

 **o**

"Hel-"

"Sero."

"How do you know my na-"

"Are you into BDSM."

"Oh, this is the uh… _special site_ I contacted a while ago for my needs, right?"

" _Oh my god."_

"Now, see here, I'm only available from 5PM through till-"

"Sero."

"What."

"This is _Tsuyu._ "

 **o**

 **Izuku**

 **o**

"Hey sweetie."

"Um… Hi?"

"I require aid and… I couldn't help but notice you earlier today in your costume—"

"OH, REALLY? I'LL GLADLY HELP OUT WITH WHATEVER YOU NEED ME TO DO BECA-"

"Oka-"

"-USE I'M GOING TO BE THE GREATEST HERO THERE EVER WAS, BECAUSE I WAS QUIRKLESS BUT NOW I'VE BEE-"

"Dude, chill-"

"-N BLESSED BY ALL MIGHT'S POWER TO BE HIS SUCCESSOR-"

"I want you to All Might all over me."

"AND- wait… what?"

"You heard me."

"U-uh… I-I'm confused…"

"You. Me. 10PM."

"W-what?!"

"Balcony. No clothes."

 **o**

 **Tsuyu**

 **o**

"Bitch."

"Katsuki?"

"Fuck off from Izuku."

"Wha-"

The call died.

"Fucking piece of shit."

"Explosive shit."

"…Katshitki."

 _ **End!**_

 _ **This was inspired heavily by Caller IDK by Orange Sherbet, I used to read it all the time- I still do, too! I tried to avoid copying any jokes from their stories, as well. Would seem very disrespectful, to me! This was, honestly, the most enjoyable thing to write.**_

 _ **I dunno if anyone would want more, though.**_

 _ **But anyways, hoped you enjoyed!**_


	2. Chapter 2

People underestimate just how comfortable carpets are.

Rolling over, Tsuyu began to hum to herself as she held the phone above her face, curiously staring at the home-screen of the communication device. Strangely, the girl found that screwing around with the contacts actually… entertained her.

She felt better than before, at least.

Smiling, Tsuyu turned her attention to the opened window; the captivating image of the sun's final descent imprinting itself on her mind. Getting to her feet, she proceeded towards the large transparent wall to press a single hand onto the screen.

Leaning her forehead against the glass, Tsuyu exhaled through her nose as she looked out at the students both arriving and departing from the dorms- whether they were going out for dinner or coming back from late night rendezvous, she didn't know. It was high likely that she would never know, either.

Then she saw him.

Black feathers… Red eyes… Uniform… Maybe a tad bit attractive…

He was also staring up at her. Tsuyu wished it was with adoration, but the fact that Dark Shadow was pointing the middle finger suggested otherwise. Damn.

So, it was with that picture being painted, of her green locks being washed out by the fading golden hues of the setting sun. Of his smouldering gaze; accompanied with an otherworldly glow to his glowing ruby optics as the world itself seemed to be reflected within them...

That she closed the curtains.

Then she backed into a corner.

…And locked the door for good measure.

" _I don't want to die._ "

 **o**

 **Toshinori**

 **o**

"Hello?"

"Hi."

"…"

"…"

"Right so, I'm just going to hang up now."

"Don't leave me."

"..?"

"Please."

"Uh…"

"I'm so alone."

"Sign up for Pornhub."

He hung up.

"BUT WHAT IF I'M ALREADY SIGNED UP?"

 **o**

 **Mt. Lady**

 **o**

"Hello?"

"Your ass is fat."

" _YOU LITTLE SHITFACED CU-_ "

 **o**

 **Snipe**

 **o**

"Hello!-"

"Go away."

 **o**

 **Katsuki**

 **o**

"What the hel-"

"Make out with Izuku already."

"Who the fuck is this?!"

"The manifestation of your sexual tension."

" **Do you want to die?"**

"Metaphorically? Yes. Literally? Not really."

"Fuck your metaphori—"

"I have a question."

"If it's when your funeral is, I can guarantee tomorrow-"

" _WHAT IS LOVE, BABY DON'T—"_

 **o**

 **Tokoyami (yes. Again.)**

 **o**

"Who the fuck keeps callin-"

"Mineta called."

"Wha-"

"He wants his balls back."

" _ **I will hunt you dow**_ -"

 _Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep._

"Did you hang up?"

"…"

"Mother fucker."

 **o**

 **Satou**

 **o**

"Yo- "

" _I JUST WANNA BE THERE WHERE YOU AR- "_

"Every fucking time- "

"-E, AND I GOTTA GET ONE LITTLE _TASTE- "_

"Kill yourself."

" _SUGAR?"_

"I'm leaving."

" _YES PLEA-_ "

 **o**

 **Jirou**

 **o**

"Hello?"

"You have good boobs."

"..What."

"It's true."

"Who the fuck is this?"

"Just someone that wants to raise your boob confidence."

"The hell is wrong with you."

" _Kukuku…_ "

"…?"

"The real question is what isn't wrong with me."

"I'm calling the police."

"To be honest, I would go straight to All Might."

"Thanks."

"TTYL, babe."

 **o**

 **Aoyama**

 **o**

"OooOooh… Hel _lo~!_ "

"S'up."

"What would have you call such a fabulous person at this time~?"

"Do you main Mei?"

"Bastion, actually."

"Fucking knew it."

 **o**

 **Todoroki**

 **o**

"Yes?"

" _COS' YOU'RE HOT THEN YOU'RE COLD_ -"

"Oh, for christ's sakes-"

"— _YOU'RE YES THEN YO-"_

"You can't sing for shit."

"- _U'RE NO—"_

"Fuck yourself."

"-As long as you tape it, sweetling."

" _What the fu-_ "

 **o**

 **Kouji**

 **o**

"…?!"

"Hey Ko-Ko."

"..?"

"Yeah, I just called to ask if you were doing okay?"

"…I'm okay…"

"You're so cute."

"W-wha—"

"So, _so_ cute."

" _Did you just interrupt me, bitch?_ "

"Ko-Ko wha—"

" _I WILL GET A SNAKE TO DEVOUR YOU WHOLE._ "

"Oh my god-"

" _I HOPE YOU'RE SCARED OF FROGS, BECAUSE THEY'RE RAPING YOU TONIGHT._ "

"I'm fucking out."

 **o**

 **Tokoyami (lmao)**

 **o**

"He-"

"Hey Raven."

"…It's you."

"Yup, me. How you doin', sex-muffin?"

"… _What did you jus-_ "

"-Yeah, I'm doing good myself."

"I didn't ask how you were doi-"

"What a mad banquet of dankness…"

" _That's my fucking line_."

 **o**

 **Aizawa**

 **o**

"Tsuyu."

"I main Pharah."

" _You_ _little shit_."

 **o**

 **Ectoplasm**

 **o**

"Welcome to Specsavers, would you like to make an appointment?"

"…"

"Hello?"

"Dude."

"Fuck off."

" _Dude._ "

"There's a valid explanation for this."

"Why _Specsavers_ , of all places?"

"Why not Specsavers."

"Because you're fucking _Ectoplasm_. You could probably make hundreds off being a porn actor."

"…Hmm…"

" _ **No**_."

 **o**

 **Midnight**

 **o**

"What is i-"

" _SHE'S A MANEATER, MA-"_

"Aizawa?"

" _-KE YOU BUY CA—"_

"The hell did I tell you about contacting this number?"

" _-RS, MAKE YOU CUT C—"_

"I'm coming over."

" _-ARDS, MAKE YOU FALL REAL HAR-"_

"This is why we can't have nice things."

" _-D IN LOV-"_

 **o**

 **Momo**

 **o**

"Hello?"

"Boobs McGee!"

"I'm hanging up." 

**o**

 **Tokoyami (he never gets a break)**

 **o**

"Fuck off-"

"Need stick-"

"No."

"-GOT STICK-"

" _Don't._ "

"- _BECKY I GOT STIC—"_

"I'm telling you now to _sto_ —"

" _-K, LEMME—"_

"I hate you."

" _-SMAS—"_

The dial-tone had never been louder.

 **I DON'T KNOW WHY I'M DOING THIS.**

 **THIS IS FUN.**

 **I LIKE DOING THIS.**

 **BUT… WHYYYYYYY.**

 **I hope you enjoyed this, though!**


	3. Chapter 3

Tsuyu was cackling.

She wasn't laughing; nope, not at all. She was legitimately _cackling_.

With her back pressed up against the wall behind her, Tsuyu was trying to smother her laughter with her hands as much as possible, in order to not alert her dorm neighbours to her… 'activities'. It didn't particularly work very well, due to the fact that she still held the phone in her hand.

With that knowledge in mind, the girl honestly shouldn't have been too surprised when there was knocking on her door.

It was also very, _very angry knocking_.

"Tsuyu. Open the door."

That was Tokoyami's voice.

Dear god, even his _**squawks**_ were angry.

"Tsuyu. I said _open the door_."

Those who thought her brave would think that Tsuyu would simply open the door, apologise and perhaps even ask the man to join in to try and break the ice. Granted, she was rather brave. I mean, Tsuyu did manage to survive 5 minutes with that mad-woman… _'Tokka? Luffa? Or was it Toga… whatever.'_

Tsuyu slowly climbed to her feet as the knocks grew harsher; Tokoyami's demands also gaining volume with her ascent. Taking the few, long strides it took to trek across her room, she halted in front of the door…

And promptly checked the door's lock.

Then moved her desk in front of it.

She also figured that maybe moving her bookshelf in front of it as well wouldn't hurt.

Tsuyu also hoped that her neighbours wouldn't mind all the noise… Then proceeded to lose all pretences of actually _caring_ and sat on her bed to continue with her 'fun times with Tsu-Tsu'. One last word to Tokoyami, though…

"Umi thinks you're a bird-bitch, by the way."

She found delight when he started body-slamming the door.

 **o**

 **Fat Gum**

 **o**

"Ay-"

"Want some candy?"

"When an' where."

"Behind the gym."

"Wha-"

"Come alone."

 **o**

 **Aizawa**

 **o**

"Tsuyu. Again."

"Aizawa."

"What is it?"

"You know that Tracer that hunted you down all game yesterday, at approximately 6:55PM?"

" _You didn't._ "

"I did."

"I'll invite Mineta along for the after-school session. I know you adore his company."

" _Fuc-_ "

He hung up.

" _-k_ _you,_ your _family_ and your _fucking_ _pet_ _chihauhau_."

 **o**

 **Shouji**

 **o**

"Hello?"

"Hello!"

"..Tsuyu?"

"Precisely how many porn videos have you been featured in?"

"12."

"What do you mean ' _what'_ , of course yo—wait, what?"

"Does hentai count?"

"I'm leaving."

 **o**

 **Mr. Compress (otherwise known as the purple wizard cuck)**

 **o**

"What in tarnation-"

"You can compress me anytime."

"Date and time, dear."

"When you aren't dead."

"Fuck."

 **o**

 **Stain**

 **o**

"I've only got 5 minutes, make this quick."

"You preach a lot."

"For a good cause, the hero society i-"

"Yes Heimskr."

"Who's He-"

"Of course Heimskr."

 **o**

 **Mr Compress**

 **o**

"Yes?"

"If you try to take Tokoyami away from me again, I will strangle you while simultaneously ripping off your sexual organs."

"Alright then."

 **o**

 **Tomura**

 **o**

"What?"

"- _Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, now—"_

"Your taste in music is sickening."

" _-BABY GIVE IT UP, GIVE IT UP-"_

"This is why I want to kill heroes."

" _-BABY GIVE IT UP."_

 **o**

 **Magne**

 **o**

"Who is this?"

"I'm pretty sure you're a Discount Magneto, right?"

"…"

"Hello?"

"…"

"Must've got called by Prof. Xavier."

 **o**

 **Mandalay**

 **o**

"Hello?"

"Dirty DiVa main."

"Suck my pink mech balls."

 **o**

 **Blood King (Class 1-B's teacher)**

 **o**

"What is it?"

" _BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD-"_

"I prefer Nurgle."

" _You_ _sick bastard_."

 **o**

 **Ochako**

 **o**

"Hey babe."

"S'up."

"What'cha doin'?"

"Oh, just calling up some of the classmates, you know how it is."

"Average Friday, then?"

"Ye."

"Need me to get Izuku and try to lure Tokoyami away from your door again?"

"Please?"

"I'll try and get Todoroki along for the ride."

"Thanks hon."

"No prob. We still up for karaoke tomorrow?"

"Fuck yeah we are."

"Niiice."

 **o**

 **Tsuyu**

 **o**

"Tsuyu."

"Tokoyami."

"Open. The. Fucking. Door."

"Try a sledgehammer, I hear that works pretty well in times of crisis."

"That would be vandalism."

"Looks like you're staying out there then~!"

"You've got a window, right?"

"The hell does that have to do with anything?"

"That's a yes."

"Of course it's a goddamn yes. We were _looking at each other_ through the fucking thing just _20 minutes_ ago."

"Fuck you."

"You first."

"I'll see you in 10 minutes."

"Don't you _fucking dare han-_ "

The call ended.

"You are a _grade-A scumbag."_

 **o**

 **All Might**

 **o**

"WHAT IS IT, CITIZEN?"

"Hey Toshi."

"Tsuyu?"

"Mhmm."

"What's wrong?"

"I have a reason to believe that Tokoyami's going to be partaking in vandalism of school properly in about… 10 minutes. At the dorms. Specifically mine."

"That cheeky little shit."

"That's what I said!"

 **o**

 **Tokoyami**

 **o**

"Hey bird-man."

"Fuck you-"

"Sure! But first I would recommend against trying to get Dark Shadow to slip in through my window."

"And why is that?"

"Because it's getting a tad-bit dark outside for that, ne?"

"…"

"Whatcha' gonna do if you harm a classmate outside of the sparring simulations, in an entirely preventable situation?"

"I'll see you in 8 minutes."

"That's what I thoug- _what._ "

"Farewell."

" _Wait-_ "

 **o**

 **That one adorable cat-police officer that I want to see again but never will**

 **o**

"Police department, how may I help?"

"Stop right there, criminal _scum_ —"

"Miss-"

"-Nobody breaks the law _on_ _my watc_ —"

"Excuse me?"

"- _I'm confiscating your stolen goods—"_

"..Ma'am?"

" _-NOW PAY YOUR FINE OR IT'S OFF TO JAI—"_

"Am I being set up?"

 **I feel like I'm running out of ideas**

 **And that this is slowly gaining a storyline that I didn't actually intend for it to have**

 **MY BAD JOKES JUST DON'T END AYYYYYYYE**

 **If anyone can actually help me out with these, I will love you for.**

… _ **tokotsuyuOTP…**_

 _ **And I ain't even ashamed of it.**_

 _ **Tfw your autocorrect doesn't like OW character names.**_


	4. Chapter 4

Tsuyu was laughing.

She couldn't help it! Honest!

After the ordeal the day prior, Tokoyami really had tried to break into her dorm. Sadly, he didn't have much of a plan besides throwing rocks at her window. (Don't ask Tsuyu how he found rocks along a cobblestone path. She really doesn't know.)

To which she simply followed Dark Shadow's example and flipped him the bird.

Pun being entirely unintended, but I'll take it.

Tokoyami got shooed off by an angry caretaker that she possibly might have called about, 'a student conducting vandalism of private property', and now they were here. Previously, they were having a suspenseful showdown of wills in the courtyard of the dorms.

Key-word: previously.

Currently was an entirely different matter…

He just had the most _livid_ expression on his face, beak contorting in a strange manner as displeasure positively leaked from him—like a living aura of pure disdain. Honestly, Tsuyu swore that the man had two quirks. One was being edgy, the other being able to _express_ said edginess without even speaking.

Of course, the effect of it was completely shattered by the bird making a nest on his head.

"Ma, maa… I didn't know we had a second Kouji in the class."

His eye twitched.

' _Hehehe… He's breaking~! Just a little more prodding!'_

"Look on the bright side of this, maybe you can communicate with them! Try chirping—maybe even vomit some of your apple up to feed them."

His fist was clenching.

' _And now for the finish…'_

"Tokoyami."

He made a disgruntled noise of acknowledgement.

"Toriyami."

The man rose slowly, the expression on his face dark and hidden as shadows seemed to leak from his body and gather around his head. Barely 3 tense seconds passed as Tokoyami reached his full height, Dark Shadow's talons manifesting into existence beside him, the previously mentioned 'aura of disdain' morphing into outright animosity.

All of which was aimed at the poor frog-lady (who may or may not have been cowering—not that she would admit it).

" _Run_."

Tsuyu was already long past the setting horizon by the time he issued that warning.

"IDON'TWANTTODIE,IDON'TWANTTODIE,TOKOYAMII'MSOSORRY,FORGIVEMEFORGIVEME,IREPENTMYSINS—"

At that moment, as she ran as if her life depended on it (which it very well did), as Tokoyami plotted the various ways to sever the lady's limbs and that lucky, stupid bird thought it was best to abort mission in order to fly away…

Tsuyu realised something…

First, she realised that she was that bird.

You know, to actually _survive_ what was about to happen.

Secondly, she realised that maybe it wasn't a good idea to leave her room after prank-calling him… And about 200 other people she didn't actually know.

And, at the later moment for when Tokoyami inevitably caught up to Tsuyu and attempted to wrestle her into submission, she unanimously decided that she was going to get vengeance later on.

Oh yes.

As the two of them practically grappled with each other on the ground, Tsuyu knew immediately what she was going to do. Then she started getting strangled, and promptly tapped out, because _god fucking damnit_ , that bird midget actually had upper body strength and it was starting to _really fucking hurt_.

'Aizawa will avenge me! Just you wait!' was what Tsuyu tried to stay. Sadly, being choked tended to garble up one's sentences a tad, so all that really came out was, "Aishawak wilch awenchk 'e! Ulch ulf it!"

 **o**

 **Tokoyami**

 **o**

"Guess who, bitch."

"I will strangle you again."

"How about you strangle Sero instead?"

"Wha—"

"It'll probably turn him on."

 **o**

 **Sero**

 **o**

"Yo."

"Tsuyu, look—please don't tell anyone about earlier."

"S'okay, I already did."

" _WHAT_."

"Yeah, you got a partner now."

"W-who?"

"Tokoyami. And maybe Shouji."

"…Really?"

"Yes really, prissy bitch."

"H-hey! No need for tha—"

Tsuyu hung up. With a particularly smug look on her face as well.

 **o**

 **Shouji**

 **o**

"S'up, Hentai."

"Must you call me that?"

"Yes. Now go over to Sero's room."

"Why?"

"Somethin' _reeeal good_ going on there."

"Very well."

" _Kukuku…_ "

"..?"

 **o**

 **Tsuyu**

 **(this one is mainly banter and my want for some semblance of plot, you can skip it)**

 **o**

"Tokoyami."

" _Tsuyu_."

"How you likin' your new buddies, birdy?"

"Don't call me that."

"Too late, now answer the question."

"Sero and Shouji are very adequate teammates, I respect their ability to utilise their quirks in versatile and efficient manner."

"Is that so?"

"Yes. Now why is Sero convinced that he has a harem—that just so happens to include me. He called me about it and said your name. So I hung up on him to call you."

"You said you wanted to strangle him."

" _I said you_."

"Same difference."

"Hardly."

"Do I look like someone who gives a shit about what you think?"

"I can't _see_ you, so no, I imagine not."

"You know, there's only so much smartassery I can take before I break your beak."

"You and everyone else in the class."

"Gee, I wonder why~"

"No one likes sarcasm."

"Hypocrite."

"Narcissist."

"That didn't even make sense!"

"Get a life outside of a dictionary."

"I will when you start reading it."

There were a few tense seconds of silence, before Tsuyu finally spoke up again.

"…What were we originally talking about?"

"I can't quite remember—it's hard to remember things with your voice grating in my ears."

"Ah, the feeling is mutual then? I just didn't want to seem rude by pointing it out. No surprise that you did the opposite."

"Fuck you."

"As long as you're doing it."

"…Wh—"

"I win."

Tokoyami proceeded to end the call, pain innumerable showing in his eyes as he continues to smash his window by throwing his phone at it.

Ah… Teenage angst.

 **o**

 **Aizawa**

 **o**

"Yes?"

" _ALEXANDEEEEER!"_

"What."

"Congratulations."

"Thanks. I knew that my wife's divorce from me was a good thing, so I shouldn't be crying myself to sleep at night and worrying about my problems and wondering if my existENCE HAD ANY MEANING IN THIS WORLD AND THAT S _OMEONE LOVES ME OUT THE—"_

 **o**

 **Iida**

 **o**

"Hello!"

" _-NA NA NA NA COME ON!_ "

" _FEELS SO GOOD BEING BAD—"_

" _-THERE'S NO WAY I'M TURNIN' BACK-"_

" _NOW THE PAIN IS FOR PLEAS—"_

" _-URE, CAUSE NOTHIN' CAN MEASURE!"_

"Nice finish."

"Thanks, I thought the croak would add effect."

"A good executive choice- nothing less to be expected from an honors student!"

"Thank you, see you around, Iida!"

"Farewell!"

 **o**

 **Toshinori**

 **o**

"What is it?"

"We have a problem."

"Yeah, it's called we're out of fuckingbeer."

 **o**

 **Aizawa**

 **o**

"Tsuyu?"

"I'm disappointed in you."

"Don't worry."

"..?"

"I'm waiting for the Uber driver I paid to deal with that."

"What the fu-"

"The driver's about to ram me."

"Giggity."

"…Yo yo, hol' up, Mr. Uber-Driver, we'll get back to this when I've inserted my foot through this trick ass bitch's _eye-socket_."

o

 **Kirishima**

 **o**

"S'up."

"Hey Tsuyu!"

"How're things? Katsuki hasn't maimed you yet, right?"

"Nah, just made fun of my hair a bit, that's all."

"Hold _the fuck up_. He did what now?"

"Called my hair stupid, but that's okay, because I know he me—"

"— _MOMO, HOLD MY SLIPPER, I'VE GOT A CUCKOLD TO FUCK UP—"_

" _-But I'm trying to study-"_

" _NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO DEFY ME, MORTAL SCUM."_

" _-Bu—"_

" _THE FUCK DID I JUST SAY?"_

 **o**

 **Katsuki**

 **o**

"What is it, asshole?"

"Come outside."

"Why?"

"Because it's a good day for you to _die_."

 **What have I created**

 **This one wasn't the best, I'll be the first to admit it**

 **BUT ALL OF MY JOKES ARE USUALLY SITUATIONAL, IT'S HARD TO ADJUST AND CREATE MORE JOKES FOR THIS SORT OF PLATFORM RAAAAA**

 **Forgive me, reader-senpais.**

 **I have failed you.**

 **;_;**


	5. Chapter 5

Everywhere hurt.

Even her _toes_ hurt.

Honestly, who would've thought that Bakugou would go so low as stamping on her little toe? That's just a dick move.

Tsuyu didn't mind though. Why? Because she totally managed to trip him into the pond through her oh-so-very-strategic use of the renowned serpentine manoeuvres. And that just happened to lead them towards the pond, and she just happened to stumble over in time to miss his tackle. She totally didn't get Tokoyami to use Dark Shadow push her out of the way.

Nope.

Not at all.

Didn't stop Bakugou from climbing out of the water like a descending predator and downright kick her ass, though.

And, goddamn, did he kick her ass _thoroughly_.

It didn't help that Tokoyami came by afterwards to _also_ give her a stern, 'word of advice about understanding the limits of your physical abilities' after that particular fiasco. Which is just pretty language for, 'holy shit you fucking idiot, what possessed you to do that, dear god.'

Her prompt response was fainting.

Feelsbadman.

 _Feelsrealbad._

After bringing her to the nurse's office to get healed up by Recovery Girl, she was going through the tiresome task of trying to get back to her room and nap.

She was fucking tired, and whoever got in the way of her bed was going to fucking _die_.

With a pained grunt, Tsuyu trudged her way down the school halls as she picked her way back through the winding passages to get to the main entrance, half-lidded eyes becoming unfocused as exhaustion set in. A yawn tore its way through her willpower, eyes crinkling shut for a single second as she felt herself completely relax.

She fell asleep.

Then Tsuyu opened her eyes and, _god-fucking-damnit,_ she was being dragged into an _impressively_ depressing room that was, " _all about that modern O.G edgelord culture, yo'."_

"Tokoyami, if that's you taking me into your rape-room and not some perverse villain, I will _eat you alive_."

"Kinky, now shut up, you're too loud."

Tsuyu snorted, her demeanour entirely relaxed. despite her threats, "Says the squeaker that spent his afternoon chewing me out for trying to smackdown Katsubitch."

Tokoyami rolled his eyes, casually hooking his arms under her body to lift Tsuyu onto the bed, tossing a phone at her in the process—of course, it slapped her in the face. "Whatever, you'll stay in here for a bit until you're strong enough to get back to your room. Which is going to be a while, considering how much stamina you lost when Recovery Girl had to deal with your burns."

"…It wasn't that bad."

"Tsuyu, your arm was bent in 4 different ways."

"I think it was 5."

His silence gave the impression that he wasn't impressed with her pain tolerance, so Tsuyu decided to just cut her losses, "What's the phone for?"

Tokoyami made his way to the door, stuffing a key-ring, wallet and phone into his pants pocket as he shrugged on a coat, which was black- _just like his soul_ , "I'm going out for a bit, it's my turn to restock the class pantry, figured I'd get it done before it got too dark. The phone is so you can call me if you need help or some shit."

She had no problems with that. "Get me some snickerdoodles."

"Get your own fucking snickerdoodles."

"I thought you nominated yourself to be my slave for a day."

"We both know that would just lead to you saying a bunch of dick jokes, Dark Shadow making a bunch of dick jokes, and me wanting to kill myself more than usual."

"Don't knock it 'till you try it," Tsuyu's grin was as sanguine as sin, so of course he slammed the door. Tokoyami's anger was audible, Tsuyu shits you not, his angry stamping could be heard even as he entered the damned _elevator_. It was pretty _'hard'_ to miss.

Heh… ' _hard_ ,' gotta love dick jokes.

She cracks herself up, sometimes.

Tsuyu flipped open the phone and got down to business because, suddenly, she wasn't so tired anymore.

"You've made a dire mistake _, Toko-kun._ "

 **o**

 **Katsuki**

 **o**

"S'up fucker."

"How's your arm, frog-face?"

"Oh wow, is that all you got? Didn't know this was the auditions for the Pluto Nash Crew."

"Shut up, you fucking harpy. Your voice grates my ears."

" _Ooooh,_ I'm so insulted, my poked fun at my _voice?_ Gasp! I'm not in puberty anymore, pipsqueak."

"You sure? Your ass sure is flat enough to fool me."

"Says the fucker who's as built as a fuckin' straw."

" _What the fuck did you ju-_ "

"Bye bye, Shaggy! I'll get you some Scooby snacks later~!"

 **o**

 **Mirio**

 **o**

"So you like, phase through shit, right?"

"Yes…? Who is this?"

"Do you use it to see people in the changing room?"

"N-no!"

"Don't lie. You so have."

"I have no-"

" _Tamaki_."

"He's an exception."

"To be fair, he has some pretty legit thigh game going on."

"I know right? Talk about muscled and toned."

"Oh my god, _yes_. His eyes are to die for, honestly."

"Giiiiiirl, his eyebrows are fucking _godly_."

"Even Tooru's jealous and she can't even see her eyebrows."

"I'm pretty sure Peaches Monroe is jealous."

"Mhmmmmm, Tamaki is just a god all-round, really."

"Mmm, nice convo, but I gotta get back to duty."

"M'kay, later babe."

"Later girl."

…

"What a nice young man, why can't Tokoyami be more like that?"

 **o**

 **Kaminari**

 **o**

"Have you ever like, accidentally over-powered an electric dildo or some shit with your electricity?"

"What the fuck?"

"Bro, answer the question."

"Fuck off, I don't need to answer shit."

"My curiosity says otherwise."

"Fuck your curiosity."

"Depends, can you do it for me?"

" _What the fu-_ "

Tsuyu hung up, bemoaning the youth of today and just how _sensitive_ they were.

 **o**

 **Ojiro**

 **o**

"Masturbating must be a doozy with that tail of yours."

"…Huh?"

"You know, playing the meat flute? Wiggling the cucumber? Peeling the banana? Treating the sausa—"

"Uh… what if I haven't masturbated?"

"..Oh my god."

"What?"

"You're legitimately a fucking saint."

"What are you ta—"

"I'm so going to hell."

"Tsuy—"

"Shhhh… leave me to my self-pity."

"Uh…"

 **o**

 **Endeavor**

 **o**

" _HOW MANY PEOPLE CAN DO IT LIKE ME?—"_

"If you're meaning the pitiful work you do in bed, I can assure you that it's zero."

 **o**

 **Tamaki**

 **o**

"S'up, peaches?"

"What?"

"It's the only way you can have an ass like that."

"Oh… The secret is exercise, specially cushioned chairs and regular massages."

"Huh… I would work on that, if it weren't for the fact that I don't have much in the ass department in the first place. I think the hands and mouth intimidate people."

"Well, you've got some pretty good boobage game going on, at least, right?"

"Mmm, true. By the way, we're looking at Wizard of Oz in our English class, can you tell me where Toto disappears off to? It never says."

"I ate him."

"What."

"It's why I showed up looking like a mutt that one time during mentoring."

"Oh my god."

"What?"

" _That's fucking sick._ "

"That's what Dorothy said."

"What the-"

"I ate her too."

 **o**

 **Tokoyami**

 **o**

"—For the fourth fucking time, I'm not getting you your _stupidly overpriced poptarts._ "

"…What the fuck are you on? I ain't no beta bitch, you can take your poptarts and shove it up the nearest citizens fourth cavity."

"Tsuyu? What the hell do you want?"

"Can you be a dear and pick up a package from my house?"

"Why?"

"It's got my new GPU, a GTX 1080 ti this time."

"Didn't you want to order a pre-built PC?"

"Nah, I decided to just build it myself in the end, just to make sure I can get it up to the specs I want."

"Huh, alright. You didn't want the Titan X? I'm surprised."

"I was thinking it, but it was double the price of the 1080, so I decided to cut my losses."

"Fair enough, see you in an hour or so with it."

"Nice. Hey, Toko-chan?"

"Don't call me that."

"Can you get my snickerdoodles now?"

"…I hate you."

"Love you."

 **o**

 **Nejire**

 **o**

"Hey giiiiirl, you _rock_ my world."

"Tsuyu? Is that you?"

"A _shocking_ revelation, is it not?"

"It made my blood run _cold_ , I assure you."

"Mhmm, I can only imagine that it would… uh…."

"What's wrong? _Tongue_ - _tied_?"

" _Hnnng…_ "

"…Tsuyu? The hell is going on over there? You better not be ' _flicking the bean_ ' while talking to me."

"What? No, of course I'm fucking not."

"Then why are you making strange sex noises?"

"Those are my thinking noises."

"…Your brain makes some pretty _fucked up thinking noises._ "

"You're the one to talk, miss shake-the-bed-every-night."

"S'not my fault that lots of people want to tap this."

"I wouldn't tap it with Dark Shadow."

"Tokoyami would and totally does."

" _Bitch. You did not just go there._ "

"I live there, Tsuyu-chan."

"You just defiled the girl-code, honestly."

"Nah, I'm following it exactly, actually."

"Oh really."

"Mhmm! In every novel, there must always be that one sacrificial bitch that bangs the guy in order to piss the other girl off for some shit reason."

"Too bad I don't believe you."

"And why is that?"

"Because Tokoyami is the most low-key sweetheart I've ever seen. He bought me snickerdoodles. He's too smol to have sex."

"…Talk about whipped."

"I know right?"

"Yeah well, good girl-talk, I'm outies, got bitches to slap, asses to slam. You know how it is."

"Mhmm, later Ne-Ne."

"Bye!"

 **I'M SORRY.**

 **I'M.**

 **SORRY.**

 **I KNOW THIS IS WORSE THAN THE OTHER CHAPTERS BUT LIKE…**

 **#MADBANTERBRO?**

 **This is so late, I'm so soooorrrrryyyyyy…. I did the request for the Big Three, though! My jokes are going stale aaaaaaaaaaa.**

 **I'm getting really choked up with exams, I at least added a bit more of Tokoyami and Tsuyu to at least try and make up for it!**

 **LOVE YOU GUYS K BYEEEEE.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Just to make sure, Tsuyu always talks into the phone first! So the first response you see would be here- example:**

" **Hello there!" (Tsuyu)**

" **Go away you cock-mongler." (some pissy character who doesn't appreciate her love)**

"Tokoyamiiiiiii…"

A sigh worked its way out of his beak, the exhaustion that was weighing down on him increasing ten-fold as Tsuyu's voice reverberated through the café, her blank expression being countered by the jolly glint in her eyes. Begrudgingly, the teenager made his way towards her table, wiping the flour off his hands with a cloth before untying his apron (which was some off-shade between "eye-catching blue" and "what the fuck am I looking at.") from around his waist.

Slipping into the booth, Tokoyami leaned back into the seat cushions in short-lived bliss as he relished in the small respite after hours of serving the counter and helping out the baker in the back-room. Taking note of the small cough from the woman across from him, the angst-ridden teenager let out another drawn-out sigh before opening his eyes, "Yes, ankle-biter?"

Tsuyu rapped her knuckles against the marble surface of the table, looking up at him through her lashes before giving him an answer, "First off, you're a rude little shit, and secondly, you didn't answer any of my calls."

A low, appreciative whistle escapes Tokoyami before he gives her a disapproving stare, "That's a bit harsh, considering you're smaller than me- and prank call people for kicks. Also, I have this thing called work."

"Yeah well, at least I get kicks- all you do is mope around in your room, wank off in said room and make statements about how 'dark and mysterious' you are- like dude, a guy confessed to you two days ago, and you were all like, 'a heart of darkness is one that is hard to love' or some bull shit."

Tokoyami almost forgot how harsh and brutal Tsuyu was.

 _Almost._

Moving forward, he crossed his arms, leaning on the table-top as his eyes narrowed into a threatening glare, "Rich coming from you, last I checked you turned down that poor student from the support sect., something about 'all of this fat being restricted to one person is a crime'. You know, you should really take what you can still get at this point."

A shocked gasp fell out of Tsuyu's mouth, a hand coming up to clutch at her chest- before a growl ripped its way out of her throat, slamming her hands down on the counter as she returned his glare with one of her own, "You. Me. Gym at 6:00PM. I'm going to so kick your ass."

"Deal."

Tsuyu didn't expect that.

"6:00PM it is, don't be late."

Tsuyu _really didn't expect that_.

As the situation began to set in, she meekly raised a finger to try her part at amendments, "Erm… Is it too late to retract my statement and regale you with tales of the wonder that is your eight-pack?"

A predatory smirk worked its way onto Tokoyami's face as he got up from the table, slinging the cloth over his shoulder before meandering back to the back-room, calling out to her, "Yes- oh, and Tsuyu?"

Weakly, she turned around in her chair to look at him, responding with a quiet, "yeah?"

"I win."

For once, he delighted in the muffled scream that threatened to break through her stone-cold expression, blissfully unaware of the perturbed other patrons within the café with the sheer euphoria he was experiencing.

 **O**

 **Chisaki**

 **O**

"Who is this?"

"So tha's it?"

" _Who. Is. This._ "

"We some kinda…"

"Fucking teenagers, I swear."

"SUICI _DE SQUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD-_ "

 **O**

 **Lock Rock**

 **O**

"How's it shakin', bacon?"

"Who the hell is this?"

"A fan of that _fiiiiiiiiiiiiine_ body of yours."

"Oh, it's one of you brats."

"I prefer Overlord."

"And I prefer creeps _not_ calling me at 11PM at night."

Tsuyu could hear the mic drop from nearly 50 kilometres away.

Then she hung up.

 **O**

 **Toga**

 **O**

"S'up, psycho."

"Oh oh oh! Is this Tsuyu-chan? It's been _sooo_ long since we hung out!"

"Oh gee, I wonder why."

"Yeah Tsu-Tsu, I really do wonder. We had such a great time out in the forest together!"

"You're talking about the forest where all your buddies tried to gang-rape my class?"

"Yup!"

"The same forest that Tokoyami is still traumatised from?"

"Mhm!"

"The forest where you low-key undressed Ochako with your eyes?"

"The very same!"

"Right in front of me?"

"Well obviously, silly."

"…"

"Tsuyu-chan?"

"I'm fucking out."

 **O**

 **Kendo**

 **O**

"You know what they say about big hands, right?"

"Uh?"

"Something-something and then stuff about over-compensating."

 **O**

 **Gale**

 **O**

"Hello?"

"Hail!"

"Just wanted to let you know that if you take your shirt off around Shoto _one more time_ in some moronic way to secure dominance, I will have no quarrels with jumping you."

"Yeah, right."

"I'm serious."

"Mhm-"

"I'm literally an aerial frog-rapist, jumping people is literally my quirk."

"…"

" _Think about that next time you strip, bitch."_

 **O**

 **Tokoyami**

 **O**

"Hiya, dumplin'."

"Ugh, what do you want now?"

"I just want a nice, calming _chat_."

"Bull. Shit."

"Okay well, I was bull-shitting you on most of that sentence but, we are definitely going to have a chat."

"Not if I hang-up."

"Don't you dar-"

"Catch you on the flip-side, frog-fucker."

" _I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT I'M STILL-"_

 **O**

 **O**

 **Hi.**

 **Don't kill me please I love you all and I don't want to die and puT DOWN THE GUNS.**

 **RIGHT NOW.**

 **I A .**

 **I'll try to keep this story posted as much as I can from now on, but the real question is, since I'm running out of jokes (there are only so many things I can use to generate humour in phone-calls), I'm debating on whether or not I should have more pre-prank bantering and story rather than the jokes.**

 **This, of course, means that there won't be the same amount of prank-calling, as this is possibly my smallest chapter yet with only** _ **6 calls.**_

 **Honestly, I've tried looking at the internet for suggestions as many of you have said, but it's just the fact that most of the things on there are situational/visual humour, rather than introductory. I am just completely unable to properly convert them into coherent sentences that can generate the same amount of entertainment value.**

 **Sooo, choice is yours.**

 **STORY-TIME WITH LESS SHITTY JOKES?**

 **OR**

 **SHITTY JOKES AND SHITTY STORY-TIME?**


End file.
